Elmina's Fire by Linda Carleton

Author:Linda Carleton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: She Writes Press
Published: 2017-02-15T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 11

OUT OF THE DEPTHS

When we had reached the drying hut I turned to her in my despair. “What will become of us when Dominic is gone?”

“Don’t be afraid,” Clarette responded, “for God is present, whether Dominic is here or not. You know that the Blessed Virgin watches over you and that Jesus will guide you if you turn to him. His Holy Spirit will not leave you comfortless.”

“But I don’t want to be alone with the Blessed Virgin or Jesus or the Holy Spirit,” I wailed in protest. “It is Dominic whom I love.”

“Shush,” replied Clarette. “Do not speak such a foolish thing.” But her words came too late.

“You are a little whore!” a voice behind me hissed. I swung around to find Guillelmette glowering at us. “You’ve been instructed to observe the rule of silence, and in its stead have spoken blasphemy against our Holy Mother and her Son. How dare you give devotion to your brother Dominic? I’ve noticed how you pass close by him in the chapter house. I’ve seen you fix your eyes on him in chapel. Do you not know the Rule of Augustine? It is a sin to gaze upon a man or look upon one with desire or wish him to desire you.”

Dear God, I knew that she was right. I lowered my head in shame, and Guillelmette grabbed my arm. “Clarette, you are dismissed,” she uttered curtly. “Elmina, you will lay down your basket and follow me. She led me to the chapel and pointed to the wooden crucifix above the altar. Then Guillelmette bid me lie down upon the icy stone floor and stretch my arms as if I, too, were on the cross. “Heed well the Rule of Augustine,” she warned and started to recite the words that would become so familiar to my soul:

“Do not say that your heart is pure if there is immodesty of the eye, because the unchaste eye carries the message of an impure heart. And when such hearts disclose their unchaste desires in a mutual gaze, even without saying a word, then it is that chastity suddenly goes out of their life.

“You will not move until morning. You will remain in penitence and contemplation of your wretched sin. And I shall pray that God have mercy on your piteous soul,” she said. Then Guillelmette spun around and walked away.

Do You remember, God, how I lay prostrate there before You? I thought about the suffering You once bore upon the cross, and my shame flooded over me. I shook and cried until the tears would come no more. At vespers and at compline, the sisters processed around my miserable body and sang the Office as if I were not there.

That night, the sharp December wind that heralds winter howled through the belfry and seeped into my soul. The frigid floor sucked out my body’s warmth and my heart became as ice. I feared that I might freeze to death without the benefit of final rites, and I begged that You forgive my sinful longings.

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